


i have loved the stars too fondly (but i have loved you more)

by aiviloti



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Oikawa is an astronaut, implied matsuhana, theyre disgusting i love them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-28
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-14 10:21:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29044518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aiviloti/pseuds/aiviloti
Summary: “Do you miss the stars, Tooru?” Iwaizumi asks him in response.Here, ‘Do you miss the stars’ is what Iwaizumi says, but ‘Do you wish you were still there instead of anchored down here, reduced to a bird with clipped wings’ is what Oikawa hears.“Yeah. Yeah I do, Iwa-chan.”After a year in space, Oikawa is finally home.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 15
Kudos: 68
Collections: aiviloti's commissions





	i have loved the stars too fondly (but i have loved you more)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Unbreakablefantasy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unbreakablefantasy/gifts).



> @ tien: knife knife knife knife
> 
> Lore: [tien's astronaut art 1](https://twitter.com/tienwashere/status/1305190551952687107?s=20) & [tien's astronaut art 2](https://twitter.com/tienwashere/status/1302779560552017922?s=20) , please go look at it
> 
> Tien's Astronaut AU Playlist: [spotify](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/14SUY46FLM5lzCKmnLlK16?si=kNl3sK1rTKmvCZ5SHvWTZg)

Being back home, Oikawa thought what he’d miss the most is the view, but it is surprisingly how heavy his footsteps can feel when he’s permanently anchored by gravity.

It’s been three months of setting foot home again, but it doesn’t feel like that long. First, he has to deal with JAXA, talking to the lab researchers and the engineers and the mechanics, let them wring all the information they need out of him. But this is still the easier part. This is his job that he willingly subjected himself to, after all. He can handle a few academics.

What he can’t handle is being a world class athlete, and then fainting in the middle of a conversation. Everything feels so heavy that it gets annoying. Water, groceries, himself. “It’s okay, Oikawa,” the people at JAXA tell him. “This is a normal side effect that everyone faces after hanging around without gravity for too long of a timespan. Your body needs time to adjust how to function when the force that weighs you down is now constantly present.”

Oikawa supposes they’re right. They’re the experts after all. But it doesn’t mean he should feel any better about it.

Another thing he’s missed about being home is how great it is to be able to actually see everyone again in person, and not from an expensive screen. The staff are friendly, his friends and family are as warm as ever, like he’s never really been gone. He’s spent the last few days aboard the spaceship worrying about a detachment from what it’s like to function as a normal human again, but in the face of the warm welcome Oikawa thinks he might have been a little over paranoid after all.

The harder part comes with the following days, all passing by in a blur. Interviews from various talk shows and journals, phone calls from people he doesn’t know. They all ask him the same variant of questions — what does it feel to have accomplished so much at such a young age, what does it feel like to have spent a year in space, do you miss the earth, do you miss the high of engaging yourself in a mission of something so grand in the bigger scheme of events in humanity’s history.

Oikawa is charming enough to handle all of them gracefully, but at the end of the day he’s just tired. He’s already home. It should have to feel like it.

He’s never bothered when Iwaizumi asks though, not that it should come as a surprise. He could never be impatient when it comes to Iwaizumi, nor does he often ask anyway. Every time Oikawa thinks he’s going to, Iwaizumi cuts the topic off there, and that’s all they ever speak of it.

“Tell me about outer space,” Iwaizumi says one night when he least expects it.

“Hmm?” He hums in response. “Why do you ask?”

“C’mon, you have got to be asked that question about 50 times a day,” Iwaizumi argues. This is true. Oikawa makes a point to tell him about all the minor inconveniences that trouble him, and this right now emerges in the most prominent form of interviews.

“But  _ you’ve _ never asked,” he points out. This is also true. Oikawa’s tolerance for questions about space from Iwaizumi stems from the  _ lack thereof _ . He’s as curious as anyone as to why, exactly.

Iwaizumi seems to think about this for a moment. “Well, I’m asking now.”

And that is all he needs to do for Oikawa to tell him.

He tells him about the view of the earth way up there, how quaint and far and beautiful and familiar, all at once. He tells him about the sun that casts golden light, and even though you can’t look at it directly, you never doubt it’s there. He tells him about the seas of stars and how more gorgeous they are out there, without the artificial lights that sweep them behind curtains of blinding but hollow brightness. He tells him about the fields of celestial beings out there that stretch on and on forever.

“Here, you look at the stars, and all you ever think of doing is to admire them from afar. You think they’re beings too far away for you to even dare to dream, to chase, so you’re content with just basking in their warmth. But out there,” Oikawa stretches out an arm to gesture at the sky, his voice lowering into a bare whisper, “it’s worse. You think you’ve done so much — all those days, nights, months,  _ years _ worth of training, all the distance and time that takes you further and further away from home. Then you’re in space, and you see the stars are still there calling out to you, devastatingly gorgeous and all, but never within reach.”

He lets out a wistful sigh and rests his head on Iwaizumi’s shoulder. Together, they stand there for a moment. The stars in the sky flicker, but distance makes the city much brighter. They drown the stars out completely. Deep down, Oikawa knows the stars never stood a chance, but when the blinking lights fade into the cacophony of everything else, he feels his heart drown within them too.

“Do you miss the stars, Tooru?” Iwaizumi asks him in response.

Here, ‘ _ Do you miss the stars’ _ is what Iwaizumi says, but ‘ _ Do you wish you were still there instead of anchored down here, reduced to a bird with clipped wings’ _ is what Oikawa hears.

“Yeah. Yeah I do, Iwa-chan,” Oikawa gives him a rueful laugh. “I’ve been chasing after them so long that I don’t know what it’s like to close my eyes without seeing them.”

Next to him, Iwaizumi deflates a little. “Yeah, that makes sense. I would feel the same if it were me too.”

Silence sinks between them for a moment. Then, “I love you, Iwa-chan,” Oikawa murmurs.

“I love you a lot too, asshole,” comes the reply, a mingle of exasperated fondness.

* * *

What Oikawa sure as hell doesn’t miss from space is the food.

“You don’t get this in space,” he happily cheers as he digs into his ramen. Opposite him, Hanamaki rolls his eyes.

“You say that every time we’ve come here. Can you deliver a fresher commentary? It gets old.”

“That’s because it’s true, Makki, you don’t have to be so rude about it. I’m complimenting the good food, this is my way of showing gratitude.”

Food in space has always been limited to a few forms for the sake of practicality. Oikawa has never been overly picky whenever it comes to food, but eating the same kind of packaged food over and over across an endless stretch of days gets old to him too. Here, food is prepared and immediately served as they should be. It’s a norm for most people probably, but to Oikawa this is a luxury he had to avoid thinking about for too long.

“Man,” Hanamaki simply remarks, watching Oikawa happily finish his ramen.

“He’s like this at home everyday.” Iwaizumi sighs, but it’s fond. “We got apples yesterday and I think he almost cried.”

Hearing this,Oikawa takes a break from the food to give him a horrified gasp. “Iwa-chan, you aren’t supposed to sell my secrets out to the world like this,” he lectures, putting on the best disappointed tone he could muster. “This is outrageous”

“Sure he can,” Hanamaki supplies, snorting. “Everyone always knew you were going off to do big things, and then you went to freaking  _ space _ , of all places. Now that you have the entire world charmed, you’re going to get too big of an ego, you see. Issei and I are here to make sure you don’t get too obnoxiously big headed. We’re looking out for Iwaizumi.”

“He’s right,” Iwaizumi says. “It took us so long to get your ego back to a manageable front, can’t have your fans going off and ruining everything.”

“You can’t be mean to me, we are in  _ love _ ,” he wails.

Before him, he watches Iwaizumi blank out for a moment, then scowl, the blush painting his features a bright shade of scarlet.

“Ooo, playing dirty,” Matsukawa says gleefully. “You have broken Iwaizumi,” he tells him and Oikawa grins demurely.

Much later, it’s pouring rain when Iwaizumi and Oikawa make way for home. The tiny folded umbrella they bring is barely enough to shield the both of them, but Oikawa nudges the umbrella over so it covers Iwaizumi more.

“You’re going to get sick,” Iwaizumi argues, but Oikawa beams, giddily happy at the faint sensation of stepping into puddles of water, rain soaking the helm of his denim jacket.

“I promise it’s fine,” he pleads. “It’s been so long since I’ve felt rain at all that I’m almost starting to wonder if the concept of rain is a mass hallucination at all.”

Next to him, Iwaizumi grumbles about something like object permanence and how Oikawa has none. He gently nudges the umbrella back, and they spend the rest of the walk home pushing the umbrella back and forth until their clothes are both dampened.

“That was counterproductive, Iwa-chan! Now we’re  _ both _ wet, so what’s the point?”

“The point, Oikawa,” Iwaizumi snaps, although there is no real irritation to his voice, “is that this is what being in a relationship  _ means _ . We’re supposed to share the burdens, not to shift the umbrella to one person so only one gets wet. Your bullshit about missing the rain is just in fact, bullshit.”

The wind is still blowing outside, and maybe Oikawa is starting to regret the rain from the cold he’s feeling, but his heart is warm.

“Rude, Iwa-chan, very rude of you,” Oikawa argues, then kisses him. Iwaizumi relents.

***

When they both wake up with a cold the other day, Iwaizumi tells Oikawa the point is that they should get two umbrellas, or at least a bigger goddamn umbrella. Oikawa sneezes and agrees.

* * *

“I missed these,” Oikawa lets out a dreamy sigh as he stroked the blue hydrangeas of a summer park.

Iwaizumi frowns. “Blue hydrangeas, specifically?”

“Yeah, and the idea of parks in general. Greenery and people. They’re always so filled with life and things to see.” A toddler runs across them, shrieking in delight as he makes his escape from his distressed mother. Oikawa continues. “The sun too. The wind. All these common things that really don’t feel like much, nor worthy of celebration. But when you’re all the way up there, all you want to remember is how they feel against your skin.”

Next to Oikawa, he can sense Iwaizumi tense. It’s been like this since the first day he landed, where there’s always been this small uncertainty. It feels like neither of them know where they stand, and the best they can do to bridge this gap is to cover it up with elaborate fond gestures. 

It does work. But that doesn’t eliminate these in between moments entirely, where Oikawa can see Iwaizumi so unsure and he doesn’t know  _ why _ .

“Do you need to tell me something, Hajime?” he prompts gently. “I can tell you’re hiding something from me. I was waiting for you to tell me in your own time but it seems to be troubling you more than me.”

Oikawa knows he’s right when Iwaizumi’s face falls.

“You’re never really going to let go of the stars, are you?” Iwaizumi asks, and something in Oikawa’s stomach twists. 

He raises an eyebrow, trying to not let his surprise show. “Probably not,” he slowly says. “Is this it? What you were worrying about?”

_ Did I do something that made him uneasy?  _ He asks himself. He very could have without knowing it. It’s not everyday the love of your life takes long distant relationships to another level. When he comes back yearning for the stars, it wouldn’t be fair to the one left behind. But Oikawa is painfully aware of this and how selfish he’s been, how much patience and space Iwaizumi has offered him. 

But Iwaizumi is still asking him here, in the middle of a park in the summer. Oikawa hasn’t done enough, apparently.

“No, it's just-” Iwaizumi sighs. “You’re always looking so far ahead. You were looking at nationals, then Argentina, the Olympics. You keep looking at places I can’t follow and sometimes, I wonder where that leaves me?” His voice is low and wistful, reminding Oikawa of a time where everything had been easier.

“Was that what you were feeling all this time? Why didn’t you say something?” Slowly, Oikawa reaches out to take Iwaizumi’s hand in his. “It leaves you here, next to me like you always have been, always will be. My heart belongs to many things — you’ve always known this — but first and foremost it will be yours.”

“Do you wish you could be back there, Tooru?” Iwaizumi asks, visibly unconvinced. Though he doesn’t try to draw his hand away from Oikawa’s, he looks smaller than Oikawa’s ever seen him. “Last time I asked you said you’ve been chasing after them so long that you don’t know what it’s like to close your eyes without seeing them. So is this really where you want to be?”

_ Here with me? _ He doesn’t have to say the words out loud, but Oikawa hears it in the shakiness of his tone, clear as day.

_ Oh Hajime. _

“Iwaizumi Hajime,” he chuckles, inviting a surprised look from Iwaizumi. “You’ve only heard me love these skies so much I don’t know what it’s like to close my eyes without seeing them, but you’ve never heard the other things I see among these stars. You know, in my dreams,” he spread his arms wide, “there are millions of galaxies out there, and you are always there, taking it all in with me.”

“Up there, everything is so pretty that it never really feels  _ real _ , but a year of seeing the stars everyday means so little when I compare it to where I am, here with  _ you _ . If being here means I open my eyes to see you every day, what more use could I have for the stars? This, makes all the difference.”

Iwaizumi stares at him, and Oikawa fears for a splitting moment that his words didn’t reach Iwaizumi the way he wanted it to. Just as he tries to explain, tears begin to pool at the corner of Iwaizumi’s eyes, turning them into shades of emerald and iridescent under the sun. Whatever words Oikawa has now disappear, turning into wisps of smoke at the sight.

“God, you’re such a fucking sap, ugh.”

“Wh-”

“Why did you go and say all of that, dumbass? We’re in public!” Iwaizumi groans.

Oikawa blinks at him. This, of all things, was most definitely not what he’d been expecting. “I know we’re in public, does it matter? I’m trying to cheer you up!”

“Noooo, that’s such a sappy thing to say. Now I’m going to be thinking about it all day and it’s going to be so embarrassing.” Iwaizumi gives Oikawa a light whack on the head.

“You were looking like a sad puppy! That’s basically irresistible that it’s unfair, what was I supposed to do? You looked so upset that I was worried you were going to cry if I didn’t say anything,” he pouts.

“Shut up,” Iwaizumi says, then lunges over to wrap Oikawa in a hug. “You don’t know what a year without you is like, worrying everyday if you’d be alright, if you’d be fine, if there were complications, if you’d come back and decided you don’t care about all of this anymore.”

He’s right, Oikawa knows. He won’t know what it’s like to be the one waiting at home for a loved one who’s so far away from home and safety, to be involved with quite literal rocket science, something that the average person only understands enough to know that it’s dangerous.

But he does know that after living life with Iwaizumi Hajime by his side for years and decades, it’s easy to take the hope and joy and comfort that comes with it for granted. A year of space is a year of withdrawal from missing Iwaizumi, and in his own way, Oikawa secretly thinks he’s suffered just as much as Iwaizumi, if not more.

Just a little, though.

“Shhh,” he whispers to Iwaizumi. “It’s alright. I’m here now, aren’t I?”

Oikawa is suddenly very aware that they are, as Iwaizumi suggests, very much in public. They’ve always kept the PDA to a minimum, but here with Iwaizumi, he finally,  _ finally _ feels like he’s come home for.  _ It’s alright _ , he tells himself. Special occasions and all. “And I’m never going anywhere without you again, it’s okay.”

“I know, but let me have this,” Iwaizumi mumbles, “it’s been so long.”

_ Too long _ , Oikawa agrees. Firmly, he tells Iwaizumi, “you know I’ll always love you, right Hajime? No matter where I go, what else I continue to fall in love with, I’ll always want you there by my side, and-”

Iwaizumi kisses him, and it swirls the rest of his words into the galaxies above them, among the stars.

**Author's Note:**

> Tien im sorry this took three months wtf i hope it's worth the wait and that you like this bless you jkfsdakfjash
> 
> the rest of you 👁👄👁 I hope you enjoy!!! I don't think I've enjoyed writing something as much as this in very long. title is a reference from that one quote "i have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night", and man i think i loved this quote a lot when i was an edy 14year old?? vibes. other trivia: in my first draft my two friends who read basically everything i write told me it wasn't very on brand of me, and i was like "wtf brand u speak of, i don't have one" and i said imma do an aiviloti revolution, we rebranding, and friend said, and i quote "aiviloti who" , "no aiviloti without flowery bs 🤧" so yeah apparently my brand is flowery bs and idk how to feel about that
> 
> Kudos and the like are always appreciated, but if you enjoyed this then my job is done. You can find me here at [tumblr](https://aiviloti.tumblr.com/) or [twitter](https://twitter.com/aiviloti)! Bless.


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